Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work by Dr David Burns

Author:Dr David Burns
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Relationships, Love & Romance, Parenting & Relationships, Fitness & Dieting, Interpersonal Relations, Mate Seeking, Marriage, Self-Help, Health
ISBN: 9781407062617
Publisher: Ebury Digital
Published: 2010-03-29T22:00:00+00:00

Chapter 17

Stroking: “I—It” vs. “I—Thou” Relationships

Stroking is the fifth secret of effective communication. Stroking means that you express positive regard for the other person, no matter how upset you feel. You’ve seen many examples of this technique already. We’re really talking about kindness, caring, and respect. If you want a better relationship with anyone, Stroking is mandatory. You can’t put people down and expect them to love you in return. This may seem obvious, but it seems difficult for many people to accept. We all want love and respect, but sometimes we don’t want to give love and respect, especially when we’re at odds with someone and we’re feeling hurt or angry.

Stroking is based on the work of the twentieth-century theologian Martin Buber, who described two types of human relationships: “I—It” relationships and “I—Thou” relationships. In an “I—It” relationship, you view the other person as an object, an “It” to be manipulated. You treat him like the enemy, and your goal is to attack, defeat, or exploit him. For example, some men view attractive women as sex objects to use and discard. One-night stands are good examples of “I—It” relationships. Con artists and predators view people as objects to hurt and exploit. Those are “I—It” relationships, too.

The competitive mind-set I described earlier is another type of “I—It” relationship, and it’s easy to get caught up in it. In sports, competition can be healthy and exhilarating, but if you’re not getting along with a friend or colleague, the same mind-set can cause problems. Your thinking may become dominated by the idea that one of you is going to win and the other is going to lose. It goes without saying that you’re determined to be the winner, so you want to make sure the other person ends up as the loser.

The “I—It” mind-set is highly seductive because it feels justified. When we’re looking down on other people and treating them in a shabby way, we tell ourselves that we’re doing the right thing and giving other people what they deserve. After all, they really are jerks!

“I—Thou” relationships are just the opposite. In an “I—Thou” relationship you choose to treat the other person with dignity and respect. You convey the desire to develop a closer, better relationship, even if you and the other person are feeling frustrated and mad at each other.

The “I—It” and “I—Thou” mind-sets both function as self-fulfilling prophecies. If you look down on people and treat them badly, they’ll retaliate and appear just as annoying and hostile as you expected. If, in contrast, you treat people with kindness and respect in spite of your anger, they’ll nearly always be far more flexible and responsive to your feelings and point of view. Still, “I—Thou” relationships are pretty unpopular, and I think they’ve been out of fashion for thousands of years.

People justify “I—It” relationships with all kinds of arguments. They tell me that they just can’t treat the other person with respect, but what they really mean is, “I don’t want to,” or “I refuse to.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.